Teen Wolf Season 3 Episode Recap: Tattoo

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Monday saw the triumphant return of Teen Wolf after nine painstaking months of having to live without it. And boy, it didn’t pull back on the punches just because it was the premiere. In fact, I’d say “Tattoo” was a full hour of insanity, and I really enjoyed the trip.

We begin with resident cutie pie werewolf Isaac being rescued from some kind of bad situation by a mysterious woman who proceeds to strap him to the back of her motorcycle and take off into the night. They’re pursued by two members of the Alpha Pack (presumably the cause of Isaac’s condition) who turn out to be Ethan and Aiden, the Taylor Lautner-esque twins we’ve heard so much about. Except that Taylor Lautner has never morphed with another werewolf into one hulking super wolf, which is exactly what the twins proceed to do. All looks lost until the mysterious woman tasers the shit out of the brothers, causing them to separate and scamper off.

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What the f*ck.

Meanwhile, Scott and Stiles are at a tattoo parlor where Scott is attempting to get some lame tattoo that was undoubtedly written in because Tyler Posey got a lame tattoo. Luckily, as Stiles points out, the tattoo heals as soon as they get back in the car. On their way back, they pull up in Stiles jeep next to Allison and Lydia, who have been spouting exposition (Jackson’s gone to London, Allison misses Scott) in their respective vehicle. Awkward ensues when the two pairs decide to stop their cars in the middle of the road to chat. But suddenly, swiggity swag! A stag comes crashing through Lydia’s car window! Everyone gets really freaked out.

Later, at the hospital, Isaac and Mrs. McCall fret about what they’re gonna do when Isaac heals back up. The injured mysterious woman asks for the Alpha, and when Mrs. McCall says she can’t get a hold of Derek, M.W clarifies that she wants Scott. BAM! TITLE SEQUENCE! TEEN WOLF!

It’s the first day of the new school year for our heroes and everyone is mentally preparing to go back after such an eventful season. Allison is reluctant to go to school after the trauma that she’s spent the whole summer dealing with, and Stiles has to literally be dragged away from his research to get him to go. But Lydia, who leaves behind a hottie in her bed (I guess her parents don’t know or don’t care?), and Scott, who has resolved to be a model student this time around, are in top form for the new year.

Allison and Lydia discuss the influx of unconventionally attractive fourteen year old boys to play with when they get an eyeful of slow motion crotch shot. It looks like the Mighty Morphin’ Alpha Twins have enrolled in school too. Suddenly the M.W shows up in front of them, looking for Scott. Allison is glaring daggers at her, but she sees the Alpha Twins approaching and makes a run for it instead. Before she goes, she leaves some strange marks on Allison and Lydia’s forearms with her bare hands.  I bet that won’t be important later.

But where are the rest of the Alpha Pack? Well, they’re all circling the hospital looking for Isaac. And they’re not the only ones concerned about him. Mrs. McCall is frantically trying to contact someone in the know to come get Isaac before he goes into surgery with fully healed wounds. At Isaac’s request, she calls Scott, who’s in the middle of meeting his attractive, clever new English teacher. She’s pretty sassy, but rightfully concerned when Scott is called out of the classroom to come to the hospital. She reminds him of his previous attendance record and hopes this won’t be a recurring incident. Scott makes his excuses and then rushes to the hospital, where Isaac has evidently been drugged and then kidnapped from surgery by a shoe-less female Alpha named Kali. She seems pretty vicious, and her toenails are frighteningly sharp looking.

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She will destroy you.

Scott arrives at the hospital and is forced to play Good Samaritan to a suspicious looking blind guy. At the end of the hallway he sees another member of the Alpha Pack, Ennis, wheeling a drugged Isaac into an elevator and manages to majestically launch himself into the compartment right before the door closes. A tussle ensues with Ennis, who soundly trounces Scott. It all looks hopeless until the door opens and Ennis is viciously thrown out of the elevator by none other than resident traumatized bad boy Derek Hale! We rejoice! He quips at Scott and then grabs Isaac.

Back at school, Stiles pesters Lydia about a wound on her foot, which she claims comes from her dog. Just as she’s sarcastically explaining what happened, an entire murder of crows crashes through the window to murder the students. It’s classic Teen Wolf CGI, but it’s sufficiently terrifying. Chris Argent shows up in the aftermath to take his daughter home and is questioned by the Sheriff, who rightly had come to the conclusion that Chris is an avid hunter. No dice though, because Chris doesn’t really know what happened, nor can he find any fucks to give at that particular moment. The Sheriff later goes to Deacon to ask his professional opinion, but all he gets is a room full of dead cats for his trouble.

At the Ol’ Hale House, Derek sets down Isaac on a table and gets to work making him comfortable. He admits to Scott and Stiles that his house has been seized by the state, and that he’s moved into a flat. He’s no longer Derek Hale, Sexy Hobo! He’s Derek Hale, Sexy Renter! However, all of the leftover werewolf stuff from his happy childhood are still in his burned out shell of a house, so here we are. It’s at this moment that Scott decides to ask Derek to tattoo him, the werewolf way. Derek agrees, and pulls out a blow torch. Oh, okay. Stiles takes this as his cue to leave, but he’s stared into submission by Derek. Scott spouts some lame nonsense about the meaning of his lame tattoo. It amounts to “I’m rewarding myself because I didn’t stalk Allison even though I wanted to.” With that insufficient explanation aside, Derek takes the torch to Scott’s arm with surprising precision while Stiles holds him down. It’s so excruciating that Scott passes out, but when he comes to, he’s got a perfectly formed tattoo on his bicep. Congrats!

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Scott: I’d like one tattoo please.
Derek: Alright. *pulls down welding mask*

On their way out, Scott notices that Derek has painted his door, and thoughtlessly scratches it all up to reveal the Alpha Pack graffiti left from last season. Derek admits that he’s been trying to deal with them all summer, but how he really needs their help if they’re available. The look on Stiles face roughly translates to “NOT FUCKING AGAIN”.

Meanwhile, M.W has gone into the men’s locker room and broken the head off a broom to use as a bo staff. She’s slowly surrounded by the members of the Alpha Pack. Though she fights valiantly, she’s no match for five werewolves and is cornered  by their leader, the blind man from before. Deucalion is his name, and he reveals his plan to turn Derek against Scott and the rest of his pack before slashing M.W across the face presumably killing her. I liked her, so I throw a fit. To close out, they allow us to catch a glimpse of Boyd and Erica, trapped somewhere with a logo that looks the same as the one’s on Allison and Lydia’s arms.

I thought it was a pretty rad starting episode. It certainly had enough action to keep me interested enough to go into the rest of the season, and it looks like we’re gonna get a lot darker from here on out. What did you guys think? Good, bad? Lame? Did you miss everyone? I certainly missed Stiles. And Derek. And Lydia. Okay I missed everyone.

And what did you think about the newly introduced characters? Kali looks like she’ll be a badass, but I’m sad the Mysterious Woman is apparently out of commission. I hope I’m wrong about her being dead.

Tell me your thoughts in the comments, and I’ll see you next week!

All photos and properties copyright MTV.

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